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Twas a lovely spring day as Socrates headed towards the Ancient Athens Starbucks. He dinged the bell on the counter and placed his order. Frappacino, please, he said as he handed the cashier a few coins. He turned around and bumped right into Odysseus. I thought that was you, Soc! How the devil are ya? Socrates smirked as he wiped hot coffee off the front of his toga, Doing good. Odysseus pulled Socrates away to a table where Hector and Achilles were sitting. Socrates blinked, Hector? I thought you were dead! Hector chuckled, No, only mostly dead. Theres a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Miracle Max made me better! Achilles rolled his eyes, We were just discussing the heroic ideal. Were waiting for Paris. Odysseus snorted, Bloody pansy, whys he coming? Hector groaned, Achilles invited him, for some odd reason. A lot of good hes going to do us... yellow varmint. Socrates chuckled and sat down next to Odysseus. At that moment, a skinny man sauntered over to the table. Good day everyone! Hullo Paris, they all replied in an annoyed sort of way. Achilles forced a smile, Have a seat, we were just discussing the heroic ideal. Paris tensed, What for? Hector growled, Cause we felt like it, shut up and sit down. Paris sat quickly. Achilles took a swig of his coffee and cleared his throat, As I was saying, I think what makes a hero is his fighting skills, and how clever he is in battle. Hector spoke up, Gee, I wouldve thought youd say something about revenge. Paris hid a smirk. Achilles arched an eyebrow, Shut up. I mostly killed you last time and I can do it again. And besides, you dunderhead, you killed my best pal! Who wouldnt want revenge? Hector glared and shrugged it off. Achilles turned to Odysseus, What do you think, Ody? Odysseus smirked at the odd nickname, I think it takes wits, courage, and brains to make a hero. Like that time I outsmarted the Cyclops. That took wits, courage, and brains. Paris shifted in his seat, All you did was poke its eye out and escape on an overgrown farm animal. Odysseus sallowed, What would you have done, you swotty nancy boy? Run when he wasnt looking? Paris smirked snootily. Just as I thought, Odysseus replied, the Cyclops could smell and feel once I poked his eye out. So, I thought on my feet and snuck out with his farm animal companion. Bet you wouldnt be able to think of that. Paris stuck his nose in the air, You dont know. I think a hero should be sly and cunning. Just then a strange, unknown voice from the future shouted, Like a Slytherin! Go Paris! The men looked around wildly. What the devil was that? Socrates exclaimed. Paris shrugged, As I was saying... before I was so rudely frightened, I think a hero should be cunning and sly- able to easily get away with things. Hector grumbled, Like stealing other mens mates? Paris rolled his eyes, Oh shut up before I have to get snooty. Achilles eyes widened, Snooty? Paris nodded solemnly, Snotty. Socrates furrowed his brow, Snotty? The more manly of the five exchanged humoured glances. Hector leaned forward, What if a sly, cunning fellow was caught? How would he get himself out of that? Paris zoned out, pondering. Well, he began, he could... sneak away when he wasnt being tended to. Hector nodded in mock astonishment, Oh, I see. He could take the easy and chicken way out. I say he should take it like a man! Fight for his freedom. A mans will to fight for what he believes is right is what I think makes a hero. Achilles chortled, Oh please, all you care about is how many man you can kill on the battlefield. Hector mumbled, I kill a lot more than you do. Odysseus waved his hands, Shut up! Quit your asinine bickering! Achilles and Hector gave each another a sour look and sipped at their drinks. Odysseus leaned back in his chair, Paris has got a point. A heroic man should be cunning, but he should also have skill in fighting, (should he get caught). Socrates sat silently through this period, sipping his drink and taking in what the rest were saying. Suddenly, out of the blue, a small girl dressed in black robes appeared next to the table. She looked around at the men in horror, as they stared the same way back at her. She grinned nervously, Hullo! Im... she paused and thought, should she tell these odd men her real name? She argued with her Jiminy Cricket for awhile and won. Im... Bobby Lynn Dexter! And I have no idea how I got here! I think I turned my English teacher into a newt though... Paris piped up, Please, have a seat, Miss Dexter. We were just discussing what makes a man heroic. She nodded, Okie dokie, and had a seat next to him. Hector leaned over to her, Tell me girl, what do you think makes a man heroic? Bobby Lynn stared at the table for quite a while. Odysseus waved a hand in front of her face, Are you with us, Miss? She looked up and blinked, Im sorry, what were you saying? Hector groaned and rolled his eyes, What do you think makes a man heroic?! She jumped, Well... if if uhhh.... if if uhhh... oh... well... I suppose... he should be exceptionally brave. Hector smirked in Paris direction. And intelligent, she continued, cant have an idiot on the battlefield. If he got captured, he wouldnt know what to do. Odysseus nodded in agreement. And, she continued, he should be a good fighter, and a good leader. But also a good follower. And a good listener. And cunning. And handsome. Achilles clapped his hand over her mouth, We get it! She giggled hysterically. Hector moved away from her a bit. Odysseus snickered and turned to Socrates; What do you think? It would be nice to have a philosophers opinion on all this. Socrates closed his eyes and nodded slowly as the rest waited for an answer. Bobby Lynn blurted out, Blimey! Youre a philosopher!? Socrates eyed her crossly, Yes, dear girl. Can it. She shifted in her seat and muttered, My arent we grumpy... Paris smirked and leaned forward. Socrates began, Well, I believe all of these perspectives are correct. A hero should be all of those things. Odysseus nodded. Socrates looked at Achilles, You say he should be good at fighting. Tell me, why do you fight? Achilles thought a moment, To win. I have to fight to win a battle, or a war. Socrates nodding, said, Is that the only reason you fight? Achilles furrowed his brow, Well, if Im told to fight by Agamemnon, then I must. I mean, if I didnt fight, the man would throttle me! Bobby Lynn stared open mouthed and blankly at the ceiling. Socrates did a double take at her before shaking his head. So you fight to win, and because you are told to? Achilles nodded, Except for that one time when I had to kill Hector for revenge. Bobby Lynn snapped out of her trance, Man! This is like the last two Neon Genesis Evangelion episodes when they do the Human Instrumentality Project and they ask all these questions to figure out why Shinji Ikari pilots Eva and... Hector tied an Ancient Grecian napkin over her mouth, Shush! Socrates continued, and nodded to Achilles. He then turned to Paris, Why do you think a hero should be cunning and sly? Why are you cunning and sly? Paris pondered, Well, I am sneaky, and when I kidnapped Helen, I didnt want to get caught? Now did I? Take the Acheaens, for example, that was pretty sly what they did! Sneaking the wooden horse into the walls of Troy. Odysseus interrupted, No, that was more wits and brain work. Paris crossed his eyes at Odysseus and leaned back in his chair, folding his arms over his chest. Socrates smiled wryly, Now Paris, no need to get angry. You do have a good point there, I agree. He then turned to Hector, Tell me, Hector, why do you fight? Hector shifted in his chair, Well, to defeat the enemy. Socrates leaned forward, No one tells you to? You do it by yourself? Hector nodded, Yeah, Im my own authority, I lead the troops to battle, and I kill as many of the enemy as I can. Socrates narrowed his eyes, Why? Hector huffed, Because theyre wrong! Thats why we go to battle in the first place. Socrates put a hand to his chin, And how do you know that you are not the one who is wrong? Hector rubbed his temples, Because, they probably think theyre right too, so why shouldnt we? Socrates nodded slowly, Interesting. A hero should fight for what he believes is right. Right? Hector nodded. Socrates turned to Odysseus, You believe a heroic man should be intelligent and be able to think on his feet? Odysseus nodded, Yes, he should be aware of the things around him and be a quick thinker. He should be able to use the things around him as resources, should he need them. Socrates nodded, Why do you think that? Odysseus leaned onto the table, thinking, Because Ive been in so many situations where that really came in handy. Socrates nodded and looked at Hector, Let the girl talk. Hector pulled the napkin off roughly. Bobby Lynn scratched at her face, What are those things made of, steel wool?! Hector smirked and set it down on the table. Socrates leaned forward, Okay, girl. You say a hero should be handsome? Why? Bobby Lynn looked at the ceiling, thinking. Hector groaned, Here we go again. Bobby Lynn swatted at him, Im pondering, dude, shut up! She stared at the ceiling a bit longer. Everyone else looked up there too, but they didnt see anything. Finally, after what seemed ages, she giggled, Well, you wouldnt want a war hero to be unattractive! Besides, the villains are always hotter anyway. Like Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber, or the Sheriff of Nottingham. Man, he was so gorgeous as an evil guy. Odysseus stood up, Well? What about me? Am I gorgeous? She nodded, Yeah, you have a nice body. Socrates held up a hand for silence, So, Miss Dexter, you like villians, but if a hero was attractive, you think hed get more praise and attention? She nodded, That sounds right. Socrates smiled sarcastically at her and turned to the rest of them, Well, it seems you all base your heroic ideal on personal experiences. Achilles and his fighting skills, also his obedience; Hector and his fighting skills, fighting for what he believes is right; Odysseus and his cleverness, intelligence, and brain power to get out of sticky situations; Paris and his cunningness to avoid capture; and Miss Dexter, and her taste for men. He smirked. Paris spoke up, Well? Whos right? Socrates smiles, Youre all wrong. The men looked indignant. But, Socrates continued, Youre all right. Except for Miss Dexter. Bobby Lynn chuckled. You see, he continued, You all thought one thing was the heroic ideal. They were all right, but the heroic ideal is all of those put together. You bickered and tried to prove one another wrong, when each of you was half right the whole time. You see? They all nodded and muttered a few I get its and I sees. Socrates stood up, Well, it has been fun, if youll excuse me. Everyone have a lovely evening. Bit by bit the party got up and left, Achilles and Hector talking like old friends; Odysseus and Paris, discussing looks; and Miss Bobby Lynn Dexter finally realized where she had been for the past few hours. She fainted flat onto the floor, where she was taken in by the authorities and dubbed Jane Doe, because she was spazzing and forgot her name.
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