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If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to our difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-may-toes, The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
The North says "Turn it on and Turn it off." The South says "Cut it on" and "Cut it off."
The North says "press the button" The South says "mash the button"
Northern headlines say "THREAT OF SNOW." Southern headlines say "PROMISE OF SNOW."
Understanding the south
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner, the Georgia (Tennessee, South Carolina, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas, Arkansas, Alabama, etc.) Department of Travel and Tourism will hand the following list to each person as they enter the state:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road," No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple of weeks,it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it ...... They're called "clods."
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven. Yeah, we saw Bambi-we got over it.
5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped ... by our women.
6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for. Bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatever, and wear your hair long -- go right ahead -- but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their approach, we'll shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's
Salad, and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun.
You want it unsweetened, add a lot of water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
14. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks --because they want to. So, you're a feminist .... Isn't that cute?
17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays. |
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HERE IN THE SOUTH.....
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.......Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "Ya ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or Child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Do be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciations you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER...
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
A Joke:
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" he said, "I have a micro chip
under the skin of my arm".
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he
finished he explained. "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand".
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do
something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He
returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their
eyebrows and stared at him.
The hillbilly finally said......"Well, will you look at that,
I'm getting a fax." |
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